Why Am I suffering?
Jai Guru Deva,
This is more of my personal rant than anything else.. wanted to write this for a couple of days but did not had the mood and strength to write..
For the last week, things are crazy at my place.. Sathvik is completely down with fever, my mom is diagnosed with typhoid and as usual my office work is taking toll on me. All in all, a very challenging week. (Its like doing a DSN course on a daily basis.) The deadly combination of all these things could not take away my smile from me. I am still able to leave my home at home and office at office. That is the way I want to live and I will live!
However, since yesterday Sathvik's fever had rejuvenated and recurring every 6-7hours. Doctor told us that its the second phase of viral fever and might last for a couple of days. This was something I had found very tough to handle. He had become very passive and not even playing his favorite hide and seek. Adding to this, all thoughts some xyz kids suffering from some unknown diseases are crossing my mind. As I mentioned several times before, my mind is something that scares me more than the rest of the world. :( Time and again, I am meditating to overcome these negative thoughts. And believe me its very easy said than done! Looking him like this is perhaps the worst punishment I can imagine. On the other side, rest of my family is very worried about my mother as she is also not able to gain any strength and continuously down with fever. My office work permit, tomorrow I will go to kadapa and bring my parents to Bangalore.
Amidst all these things, sowmya as well as my sisters are very worried and that is also adding pressure on me. Every few hours i get a phone call about something which requires my immediate action. To me such hasty actions will only boomerang. It could be changing the doctor, or changing the medicines or changing the city itself. So many decisions without liitle patience will only lead to chaos but people around me doesnt seem to understand this.. so be it!
I had held myself sober and strong despite all the above said things. This afternoon, there were some labourer's kids who came to my house. They seems to have lost their livelihood and were planning to move out to some other locality as construction in our street is over. When Sowmya gave them something to eat they just jumped and grabbed it even its in her hand. They were hardly 4-5 years and they were too naive or too hungry.. That sight is breaching of my endurance limit. I literally had tears rolling out of my eyes. They told us they didnt eat anything since morning but their eagerness to grab the food is still afresh and its haunting me. Haunting is perhaps an understatement. I wish I would cry for some more time so as to feel better.. but I couldnt! because may be I dont even deserve to cry. I am not doing any seva these days. My contribution to Jeevani has also reduced. May be I became too selfish :(
Feeling very disturbed and guilty, I pray Guruji give me some strength to contribute little more to this society I am part of..